It's Therapeutic
by Dark-AmethystUnicorn
Summary: Pointless little humour fic centred around Yuffie and Cleon. "So you and Cloud have to screw each other in the hottest, kinkiest way imaginable" rated T for safety


Disclaimer: Don't own it. Make no profit. Woe is me.

I'm not sure how this came about actually, one day I was bored and the phrase _therapeutic smut_ came to me. Thus a plot bunny was born. On that day I also learnt one should not watch golf when one has smut on the brain; don't ask, mmkay?

**It's Therapeutic**

Leon spat out his mouthful of coffee and gawked at the young ninja.

"I'm sorry, _what_?"

Yuffie sighed impatiently and tapped her foot in a move reminiscent of Donald. "Therapeutic smut." She repeated dutifully with an imperious wave of her hand.

"…_what_?"

Yuffie's sigh was louder, and a little more desperate, this time as she lent over to cuff Leon on the head. "Listen carefully. _Therapeutic smut._"

Leon eyed her carefully as he silently judged the distance the door. After woefully concluding that Yuffie's position immediately between him and the door impeded any chance of escape, he sat back and frowned at the young woman. Anything Yuffie said had to be taken with a pinch of salt…and given her yaoi obsession…

"I haven't been able to get my new mangas, I'm in need of a fix." Yuffie chirped cheerfully, oblivious to the increasingly anxious expression on the man's face. "So you and Cloud have to screw each other in the hottest, kinkiest way imaginable."

He hated being right.

"_Well_?"

"…hell no." With that decline issued, Leon braced himself for some classic ninja whining.

"Awww, but Leooon!"

"No, Yuffie." He stood up with a glare and made his way to the door. "I'm not involved with Cloud, and I am not an exhibitionist."

"But it's just me and my video camera!"

"…that makes it worse. _No_."

"Leeeooon!"

And it begins…

By lunchtime his eye was twitching in a way that he was sure couldn't be healthy. Yuffie had followed him as he patrolled the city all day. And she never stopped begging for that 'small' favour. To his increasing embarrassment, Leon had been treated to sly winks and knowing smiles from anyone within hearing range. The real kicker had been when the old woman running the bakery had offered to give him some cream for his night time activities. Yuffie had loved the idea. Leon had vowed to buy Scrooge's overpriced bread in the future. Anyone who supported Yuffie in this madness simply had to be avoided for the sake of his mental health.

Skipping along beside him, Yuffie gave a pretty pout as she thought frantically for a new way to convince Leon to do the deed…or be done. She wasn't picky; all that mattered was the glorious yaoi. Not that she thought she was the only one to benefit from this proposal. No, no, no! The Great Ninja Yuffie was most generous to friends. She knew Cloud had been eyeing Leon's leather-clad form since falling back down from his latest spat with Sephiroth. Lord knew Leon was the only one who could cope with Cloud's broody ass when he started that silly old angst-fest of his. And Leon was so damned sexually-repressed…why she was sure he'd never had…

Yuffie's thoughts trailed off as the realisation hit her forcefully, her eyes going wide as a gasp left her throat. Leon looked over at her questioningly as she gaped at him. "Bloody hell!" She squawked, lifting a shaky finger to point at him. "You've never done it before have you?" To Leon's increasing concern, she paled then blushed and then somehow managed both at once. "That tight sexy ass of yours is _virgin_! Bloody fucking hell!"

Ignoring the scandalised look on the man's face, his eyes darting about anxiously to confirm no one had heard her latest outburst; Yuffie grabbed a fistful of his hair and proceeded to drag him home. It had made sense now that she was thinking about it; Leon had been in his mid teens when they fled to Traverse Town, too young to have sex. By the time he was old enough, he was too busy protecting Traverse Town, helping Sora and then, once home again, the restoration project.

Dang it, the experienced-and-_good_-in-bed Leon she'd dreamed up had to be thrown off of a cliff.

Oh well, time for a new fantasy. A smile curled her lips playfully as she drew to an abrupt stop, Leon bumping into her. She turned around and grinned at him, a wide scheming grin that somehow served to darken her features. A new fantasy indeed…did Leon like silk sheets?

For his part, Leon decided on running away as soft laughter begun to bubble out of the ninja.

xxx

It was never a good thing to be greeted by Yuffie when she was wearing that chesire cat grin of hers.

Cloud eyed the bubbly girl warily as he dutifully unpacked the groceries Tifa had dumped on him. Apparently this job would keep him from brooding again. He failed to see how.

"Clouudddd…"

Not interested. He thought to himself, resolutely keeping his eyes on the pantry as he tried to figure out where the paprika went –Aerith was very particular about her kitchen; he wasn't going to get on _her_ bad side for something so trivial as misplaced spices. He smirked a little as he heard a familiar whine behind him. Yuffie didn't like being ignored; it was a problem since Cloud didn't particularly like being bothered. As he told Tifa continuously , he and Yuffie were best kept separated. If only the ninja herself would realise that.

Yuffie sighed loudly and threw a half-hearted punch at the blonde's spine. "Therapeutic smut."

Cloud lost his foot and fell down.

Yuffie bit back a grin as she knelt beside him. That was fun; she'd have to shock Cloudy more often. "That could've hurt." She commented as he sat up rubbing head. "So, therapeutic smut?"

Cloud glowered at her. "…I'm killing you."

"I have Leon tied up and locked in a bedroom." She stated gleefully as she nimbly backflipped over the kitchen island. "I need my yaoi fix, I have the camera and uke, I just need the horny seme." She grinned up at him, looking proud of herself as she bounced on the spot. "Volunteer, blondy?"

Cloud stared at her for a long moment. The blue in his eyes glowing as his mouth did an odd twitch.

Taking a hesitant step backwards, Yuffie's smile faltered. "Cloudy?"

He gave a nod and started for the stairs. "Leon's going to _butcher_ you."

Yuffie hurried after him with a gleeful whoop.

End

As you can probably tell, I'm out of practice with writing; hopefully though, this will kickstart it again. Essays are quite the same as creative writing and what spare time I have had, I've devoted to playing Dissidia. I just need to beat Chaos, but he keeps kicking my ass before I can kick his….


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